I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
My liver just broke up with me...
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize