i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Randomize
