you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
