I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
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