I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
