i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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