My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
last night I used snow as a chaser
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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