Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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