I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
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