I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
