The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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