Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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