So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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