champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I AM VODKA MAN
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
