Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
