I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
