Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize