those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Randomize
