everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
