he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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