he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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