We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
You brought string cheese to the strip club
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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