Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize