It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
