I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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