Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
