It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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