You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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