CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
