Umm I'm too high to move.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
