wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
That accounts for only three of the penises
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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