I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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