Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
