I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
