Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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