you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
