Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Randomize
