3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
