you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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