if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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