apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
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