Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Randomize