I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
