Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize