I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
