when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
