If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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