false alarm. still invincible.
time to smoke my breakfast
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
