i was rollin on her like bob the builder
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Randomize