I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
