ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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