awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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