He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize