Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
This toilet bowl is my home.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize