so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Randomize
