I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
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