Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
