I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
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