Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
