Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
